This is the first picture I have played with using Photoshop.  I used a watercolor filter.  It's my first attempt.  It took much longer than expected to upload it since I saved it in a weird place.  I am getting caught up on technology since I quit using it in 2000.  I have spent the last eight years just getting by.  I have a steep learning curve to overcome, but at least I got one picture done.  I am excited to learn how to use this new software.  It really helps to have someone who knows more about this that I can call.  Thanks Olaf!  I will get more pictures up as I slowly calm down and am able to continue to resist the urge to hurl my laptop across the room.  

Christmas doings

I haven't yet posted pictures from this Christmas because I got Photoshop Elements and can't figure out how to compress the pictures.  We shall see how this works.  So far I don't think that it has worked.  I tried to make the picture quality worse, but somehow that isn't the key.  It's taken a couple of minutes to try and upload one picture at low quality.  I decided to make it quit.  I will try again later.  If anybody knows how to make it compress I would be eternally grateful.  

We all had a good time this Christmas.  The boys got Nerf guns from Oma and have really enjoyed having gun battles.  On the wii, we got one.  From Mema and Papa to all of us.  Thank you so much.  I think I forgot to tell you when I talked to you earlier.  The boys are currently bowling.   And they are interested in boxing.  Maybe I should use that for toy disputes.  That would be a creative use of technology!  Esther got some fun books and has been busy learning to try and walk.  She stands alone from time to time.  

Peter is at work today.  He has been putting the finishing touches on his greenhouse and is getting ready to go to abroad.  He will be spending some time in Europe as well as the Middle East.  

I am trying to keep everybody healthy for when school is back in session.

Fun pictures from the last couple of days

Here are some photos from the last week or so. They aren't in any order.

We got some good snow the last couple of days.  

The kids practiced at Logos for singing on Sunday.

On Wednesday at Logos the tables were decorated with manger scenes.  This one was made in Kentucky from coal. 

 

Making crayons with the kids.  Here Micah and Samuel are helping to take the wrappers off the crayons.  

Leaps and bounds

Esther is growing and developing by leaps and bounds.  She has started walking around the ottoman.  Yesterday she learned how to say "more" with baby signs (can I get an amen!).  And now she is pulling the books off the bookshelf.  So far it's only half of a shelf, but it will be more within a matter of moments.  Amazingly, she has cut any teeth yet!  She's been teething for a couple of months now and still no teeth!  I can't decide if I should be happy or frustrated.  I'm ready for this to be over, but then again YOW!  She is finally over the cold she got when we went to Oregon.  Mostly by staying at home all the time.  Well, not ALL the time, only when I don't have obligations.  But she is much happier now.  So it looks like I will be doing that a ton more.  I prefer a happy baby even if I have to spend a lot of time alone.  Another reason she is happier is that she is now being actual people food put through the baby food grinder.  Somewhere she tasted salt.  So that was the end of baby food from jars.  It's better that way anyhow, cheaper too!  So she's getting some fat along with all her other nutrients.  She had spaghetti for the first time on Monday.  The baby food grinder had a very nice side effect on Monday, no messy baby to put directly into a bath after spaghetti!

She is now standing at the ottoman eating puffies.  And she is trying to get to my computer.  Silly girl.  I can't wait to play girl things with her.  Don't get me wrong, I love to play light sabers, but sometimes it would be nice to play dolls.  And when I say dolls, I mean dolls where the dolls stay dolls they don't turn into guns or bad robots bent on universal destruction!   Next time more cool updates on the boys!

Solitude

I have been reading the discipline of solitude chapter in Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster.  So far I am enjoying it.  I haven't read the whole book right through.  I know that is the way books are meant to be read, but I decided not to.  Mainly because I am in a period of God-forced solitude in my life.   God seems to have a purpose for it right now, so I am trying to learn why.  (Sidenote, I decided to get over myself and buy a Message Bible. ) 

I had a really hard, lonely Sunday since Peter was out of the house most of the day.  And he also took a nap when he was home.  I'm not upset, just explaining being alone!  The kids were sick so I couldn't go to church.  

I haven't finished reading the chapter yet by any means, but the first point I have come to that I don't understand is that we are to have solitude and fellowship together.  I mean that you cannot have one without the other.  I completely agree with this assertion.  I also know that lately have had more solitude than fellowship.  On pages 97-98 he says

"Therefore, we must seek out the recreating stillness of solitude if we want to be with others meaningfully.  We must seek the fellowship and accountability of others if we want to be alone safely.  We must cultivate both if we are to live in obedience."

I agree completely with these ideas.  I am endeavoring to be obedient, but how is it possible if a meet aloneness at ever turn.  

Can we have fellowship primary through modern means?  I'm speaking of telephone and internet.  At this point that's what I have.  I have read at couple of blogs that say we can't get all we need in terms of fellowship primarily these ways.  I just wonder if that's true.   Just writing this and making it real is an accountability in itself.  Anybody who reads this can ask me questions on this subject whenever they like.  

I have to wonder what good work God is doing in me right now.  I don't question whether He is refining me or if it is good, but what exactly I am supposed to be learning right now.  I think that there is a difference, and it isn't a slight one either.  I show faith in believing He is holding me in the fire.  

That's how far I have gotten for now.  

The soul of it

Yesterday we were making big crayons by melting the small, broken crayons. It was tons of fun. Of course Samuel loved it because he is still a destrucobot. I realize it's not a real word, but that's what he is! However, sometimes I think that he may willing to hand the title over to Esther. (As she is currently trying to destroy books!) Anyway, we were tearing off the paper and breaking them further. Micah, our talker, announced that he knew what the soul of the crayons were. It was white. Only my sensitive Micah would see things that way. We talked about it some more and he explained that white was they really were, that's how they all started. Other colors were added to change the crayons.

Thanksgiving pictures

To buy or not to buy

Peter and I coming down on different sides of a theoretical argument, no heated words. He wants to buy another gaming system, a Wii. (I realize that as far as this Christmas is concerned that ship has sailed, none to be found.) I have already broken my in-my-head agreement with myself that we would never have one of any kind. Which is a bother to me not to him, since I didn't tell him until the last second. I just assumed we would never have one. We have a playstation2. The boys play it together some. Mostly on the weekends because we don't allow it on school days. He wants to get it because the games are so family friendly and the boys could all play it together, which would be great. I can totally see his point, it would promote family togetherness. I, however, would prefer that the boys just play with toys and such. I really try to limit the amount of time the kids play the playstation.

Now here's the super crazy part. I don't feel like I can tell Peter this. (And by writing this will not be some backhanded, manipulating way of telling him, he doesn't read my blog.) It's not about submission, I know he would love my input and really wants it. It is has to do with him knowing more about boys than I do. I so told you it was crazy.

Reading

I have been reading some more since we got back from our trip. I started with The Year of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs. The author was raised as a completely secular Jew. That is amazing even in this day and age to have no religious training at all. He says that he is open to religious ideas, but I can tell by the tone of the book that he finds belief/religion embarrassing.

I have found this book very interesting. The author calls himself a reverent agnostic. How can an agnostic be reverent? "The Agnostic suspends judgment, saying that there are not sufficient grounds either for affirmation or for denial." What is he exactly being reverent of, the possibility that there may be a God if he decided to get up the nerve to make a decision? It sounds like he wants some fire insurance. Another way to look at it is through Pascal's wager. Blaise Pascal, a French philosopher, put forth that one should live one's life as though God exists since it leaves one with everything to gain and nothing to lose. Though he criticizes Pascal, I think that is just what he wants, perhaps without the confining belief part. He wants to be able to have all the wonderful uplifting experiences that a person in relationship with God gets without having to limit himself to one idea or way of acting. In fact, I think he's just deeply humanist. Just be good for goodness sake. But he somehow doesn't get that it is God that allows for that goodness. I realize I am judging him according to a rule book he doesn't follow, but he opened the door with his question whether one can be holy just by following the Bible. Everybody breaks the rules is what he decides, which is completely true those are called sins. However, he decides that everybody who believes in God is just picking and choosing the parts of the Bible that they want to follow. He admits that he cannot follow all the rules, but explains it away that he has just started to learn about religion. I think what he is missing, most of all, about anybody who follows God is that we don't have all the answers, that it is very difficult. I find that as I get older I have more confusion about how I am to love others yet still hold people accountable. I realize that it is not all cut and dry. I think that is the main place the author and I diverge, he doesn't think anybody should be held accountable for their sins because we all sin.

In the end what this book has helped me understand is those coming from a completely humanist perspective. At one point I had hope that he would start to believe in something, but at the end he decided to use the Bible as a self-help book. I think he ended his year where he started it, completely embarrassed of religion/belief in God.

cross posted at The Book Loft

Pictures

Here are some random pictures from the trip.

This is at the visitor center at Mt. St. Helens. They thought the giant mushroom was cool, so we took a picture of it with them.


This is the view from the school across the street from the wedding chapel. Talk about some blessed kids, getting to see that view every school day!

Here is Peter and Esther at the school play ground. Don't you just love that hat?!


This one is on the way home. I finally got Peter to stop the car so I could take at least one picture without the trees rushing past!


However, he wouldn't stop so that I could be a picture of the sunset, so it is blurry. This is outside of Bend.
I just love this picture I wish I could have gotten a non-blurry, in the car picture. I think it's the Three Sisters. Oregon certainly has some of God's amazing handiwork on display!

Homety, homety home again!

This weekend we went to Oregon. It was so much fun! We had Christmas pictures made and went to a lovely wedding. Such a grand ole time, and interesting too. Definitely one to go down in family lore!

On Friday we had the kids pictures done. And let them run around after a day long trip on Thursday. Not much to write about there. On Saturday our plans were to go to Mt. St. Helens and then to the planned wedding.

It took a little longer to get up to the visitor center than expected so we didn't have time to drive around to other side. I think Esther may have had something to say about that! But I got some pictures from the visitor center. I found it interesting that Silver Lake, where the center is, was created from the eruption.





After our fun time at Mt. St. Helens we had to zip to the wedding. None of us were dressed yet and we had no where to get dressed. We just figured that we would get dressed at the Brookshill Historic Church. So off we went to find this diamond on a really tall hill. It is in Hillsboro, which happens to be aptly named.

The church is right across the street from a quaint school.

We got to Hillsboro late! We rushed to get dressed appropriately in the school parking lot after running down the hill (15 minutes) to get lunch. (All I can say is thank goodness for our Yukon! Crouching room!) We finally were dressed nice enough, barely, for a wedding. We ran into the church, amazingly not making a scene! Sitting down in the back of the tiny chapel, Peter and I looked at each other. We did not recognize the groom, whom we know. Somehow we were at a lovely wedding where we didn't know anybody! Peter quietly rushed out to the car to see if we had gotten the day wrong. Was it the wrong time? No, we had both correct. Suddenly, Esther began to make noise. Perfect! We were making a scene at a wedding, to which we were not invited, and drawing attention to ourselves! Peter missed the rest of the service. Which was unfortunate, it was wonderful and touching between two older folks. Including the brides sons saying "Way to go, Mom!" It was great! After two kisses and the pronouncement we tried to figure out what happened. First I talked to a guest at the wedding. He said we have a handsome family. Then, we talked to the owner of the chapel and found out that the bride for our wedding canceled four weeks prior! So Peter called someone at home to find out what happened. No the marriage wasn't canceled, just that location for the wedding. We didn't find out for another day, but it was in Kelso, WA. Much closer to Mt. St. Helens! Here's a picture of the lovely couple, I forgot to get their names!

We had plenty of fun, and even went to a lovely wedding, even if it wasn't the right one!

Inspiration, or lack thereof

So Peter is interested in me decorating for holidays this year. A new and interesting plot development. However I can't seem to get into the swing of things. At Mt. Hope Chronicles Heidi has great ideas all the time. For this month she is decorating with thankful leaves. I think that is a wonderful idea considering our coming holiday. I have been scouting trees all day so that I can use her idea. I haven't found any with the large enough leaves but I am hopeful that I will find some.

I have been contemplating why I just can't seem to get excited. I been having some stress to do with the Holiday Home Tour coming up. And I am really looking forward to our family trip this weekend. (Since Peter can't take vacation during the summer we try to do stuff other times of the year.) Maybe once we are home next week I can get crazy excited.

We are going to Oregon. I am really looking forward to it. Be prepared for many tree pictures. I love trees and miss them terribly. I enjoy the feeling of disappearing while looking up into the branches. It keeps me humble!

Indescribable

Tonight my Bible study group watched Louie Giglio's DVD Indescribable. I really enjoyed the sermon ideas and the way Louie showed the awesomeness and glorious works the Lord has put into being, that he is continuing to create. Louie said that according to astronomers, each second a star is born. I really liked all the astronomy, Louie used it to the utmost in showing the vastness of the universe that God has created and how infinitesimal we are in comparison.

The song Indescribable by Chris Tomlin is featured before the sermon. Some of the songs sung today seem feature our love of God, not His love for us. How could it possibly be awesome that God chose us and we love Him for it?! That is not amazing. What is amazing and powerful is that He loves us. How small and insignificant we are here on earth within the universe was clearly and eloquently displayed in Louie's sermon.

In Job 38:31-33 God named constellations and showed Job a fraction of His size. Psalm 147:4 says "He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name." That, all on it's own is a powerful statement, but the verse just before says "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." The Lord who created galaxies, loves us and will bind up our wounds! That thought unto itself is profound to me, add onto that He sent His beloved Son to die in our place, when He created the vast universe puts me on my knees. I usually fight my emotions when dealing with my faith, I get too confused. However, this time I will probably let myself cry.

The truth of His love puts the election and all the turmoil in such stark perspective. Of course He can heal our wounds, He says so. He's the one that created the universe.

I'm in Heaven, kinda

I have said that laundry is the bane of my existence. I was wrong VERY, VERY wrong! I learned just how wrong I was once I had three potty trained boys sharing a bathroom, that they did (do not) clean. Yuck to the nth degree. Does anyone have tips on that problem?

But onto my happy, happy news. We got a new washer and dryer yesterday. And they are huge. They are 4.7 cubic feet. Look how they shine.

Laundry, for now, can be once again done in a day instead of taking all week. I'm thinking of naming them. Definitely not Thelma and Louise. I haven't figured that out yet. If you have ideas let me know.

I've been cited!

I have been so busy with the Holiday Home Tour tickets, for a local version of the Junior League, that I haven't been reading my daily blogs. Now that I am done, I can go back to reading my blogs everyday. My friend Megan at A Sanctuary Sought cited my blog. (Or are you supposed to say linked, hmm something to ponder.) Unfortunately, the post she cited was the one about me being in a funk(unhappy). Oh, the shame! I wish that I were never in a funk, so that a post like that couldn't be cited. But MY reality dictates that I have a hard time controlling my emotions and moods. I am endeavoring to triumph over this affliction, but this may be a lifelong lesson. I have been told I was born moody. Now that definitely puts a new spin on things. But it doesn't mean that I can't try.

This past month has been hard for me as far as moods go. It's been the ticket. I finished it, but it is not what I hoped it would be. I have spent many hours on it. I must say that I am greatly discouraged. I tried, but I couldn't make it perfect. Maybe with enough time. However, is perfection something to strive for? Trying really made it difficult for me to be pleasant to be around the last month when thinking about the ticket. I have a tendency to be negative. Yes, I know SHOCKING! My negativity really reared it's ugly head as far as Junior Club is concerned this month.

At this point, my point is that while I am trying to have joy, sometimes I fail. I know that striving for perfection really gets in the way, for me.

Thanks, Megan, for citing me! I feel cool now!

Halloween

Here are some pictures from today. The boys went out with Peter and Reveille trick-or-treating. They were all ready to go at about 4p.m. They all had fun and only went to a few streets. They were all in a good mood when they got home, so it seems that was enough.


Here we have a Love Bug. This was last night a friends party. They had a haunted house in their upstairs. It didn't go over very well with Micah and Samuel.



We have Peter and Edmund Pevensie and Harry Potter to see us. They are all currently watching Looney Tunes. Who knew English book characters would like slap-stick comedy?

They are all ready to fight their respective bad guys. Harry is having a hard time figuring out which weapon to use.

Ah, looks like he chose the wand and is just keeping the sword handy. Where is Fawkes? Nice of him to drop the sword by so that Harry can battle "he who must not be named" as Abraham says.

We've only had a couple of trick-or-treaters so far. Hope we get some more.

Making Apple Cider

On Sunday we went to a Peter's mentor's house/orchard to make apple cider. We all had a fun, but the boys had the most fun. They got to help in the making of the cider. Paul Yorty and his wife Lois have been making apple cider for years and have refined the process to make it safe for kids to help.


Here's the general idea.

You throw washed, brown spots removed apples into the grinder. Notice the grinder has that nifty, homemade hand-not-getting-ground protector. You can see the ground apples down below.


And then you smile at each other because everybody still has their hands and you are making yummy apple cider.

Next you spin the press that squeezes the ground up apples into yummy apple cider. I forgot to get a picture of it, but see the orange bucket at the edge of the fore ground. While the apples are getting pressed, you put the bucket on the ground under the press and the cider just comes flowing out.

Paul and Lois have a large orchard and sell their apples, gourds, pears and grapes. Samuel had fun looking at all the different kinds of fruit they had in available.

Of course they sell what boys don't eat. I think each boy had four or five pears.

Here is a corner of their orchard. Do you see the red thing? That's a swing. They planted all the trees along the side when they moved there 30 years ago. Isn't it just beautiful? It makes me want to live in the country kind of. They live down the road from a dairy, not the smell I want in the morning. Oh, and the diaries around here aren't small dairies. Big, 3,000 cow diaries.

Here's the horse next door. I couldn't get much closer without incuring too much sun so I kept taking pictures of it's rear. It's looking at me thinking I'm some crazy horse-rear loving person.

We made three and a half gallons just from one pressing. We been invited every year so far. If we are invited again I will get better pictures. Including, his homemade pushing the apples down device.

Being unhappy

Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

This starts with my childhood. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to live an exciting life! I wanted to be able to dream and make them real. I, however, did not want to be a pianist. I am now an adult and that hasn't happened. I am not, nor will I ever be Col. Samantha Carter. Woe is me! I will never be fulfilled in life. I will never live my life on a RV (yes, I still think about that stuff, check out walk slowly live wildly). I knew that living in Houston forever was not for me, I needed to get out and far away. Call it rebelliousness, whatever you want, but I didn't want what my family wanted for me--to be boring, stay-at-home housewifey person. Doh! Can you hear the anger, the frustration? I blame it on MacGyver, that's it it's RDA's fault!

So there I was watching tons of TV to try and drown out the frustrations. I eventually decided that this wasn't good, so I said "be gone with you" to the TV. I found that soon after not watching TV anymore that I started to feel happier. The TV even looked longingly at me and said how can you be so without heart? I started blogging and that gave me hope. I, of course, was reading blogs of ladies who are satisfied with their lives and talk about what makes them happy. I thought to myself, what, for the love of ice cream, is wrong with me?

I was taking a shower this morning and realized that FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME I am someone to four people. I am in fact, still the most important person to them. Talk about a slow learning curve! About three minutes ago they were all in my room clamoring for my attention.

I have been unsatisfied, or maybe dissatified, the last day or so. I haven't figured that one out. I did more thinking about my underlying anger and then realized I was slowly involving my mind in something that makes me angry, but I couldn't do much about, like post. What, you say? Well, I'll tell you! I have been reading at Blogher. Oh, the shame! Let's get all the angry women and give them a place to argue, but it can't be on TV or it would be The View. (Hehe!) That's what Blogher is, at least in the politics area. So I have been subjecting myself to another way that makes me unhappy. Whoa, I just realized I have been harming myself with this stuff. Again, talk about a slow learning curve!

I realize that I need to confine myself to areas that have edifying ideas. And be around women who are happy to be at home or where they are in life. Thanks for the ear, I'll give it back eventually.

First Playdate

Today Samuel had his first playdate that was all for him. He is by far my most introverted child. Esther is already showing more interest in being with other people. I think that he has had it the worst with all of our moves in the last four years. We moved four times in the last four years. That's alot! So it's understandable that he hasn't had a best friend until now. The boys run towards each other every day when they get to school. And according to Alex's mom(and me), both have spent the entire weekend talking about this playdate. As Alex was walking out the door he asked his mom when they could play again. I am so happy that Samuel has been blessed with this friend.


I just love the way boys work so hard at playing!

Getting ready for winter

We have been getting ready for winter here, at least we have been outside.



Yesterday I dug up my dahlia bulbs.




Here in Idaho they have to be dug up and stored over winter at a cool temperature. I have never done this before, so I am learning. In learning about this I have discovered a wonderful thing about living in the desert, it's dry. Yes, I know that goes without saying. But when it comes to storing dahlia bulbs dryness makes everything easier. I read about how to do this online. It says that you have to be very careful not to damage the bulbs when digging them up. As usual for me, I read about this after digging them up.

Here in this picture you can see that I damaged a few. The internet page said that I did a bad thing. It berated me. It said that they would now all die from fungus. I was sad, so I talked to Peter about this since he is all knowing in the area of plants. He laughed (not at me, but at the internet) and said that it's good that we in Idaho since fungus won't grow. So now all I have to do is find vermiculite, wood shaving, or sand to store them in once they are done drying.

Next spring I will plant the bulbs again and see if they survived my manhandling of them. Peter thinks they will.

What no TV will bring

We have been without TV for almost a month. For quite awhile before we canceled cable I was not interested in reading. My usual books did not inspire me in the least. I believe that I got lazy. Not pretty, but that's what too much TV will do. It makes ones mind lazy. I was fighting my kids to do the reading required by their teachers.

So after a month I have found myself in the middle of one of my readfests.(Not a word, however I have no other word for it.) I realized that I was reading at a stop light the other day. No, it was not a good idea and it was definitely unsafe, but I was happy to have that feeling again. The one where you can't get yourself out of the story and it would be a tragedy of unknown proportions if you can't finish the book before moving onto other tasks, yeah that's the one!

Interesting things have been happening around my house the last couple of days. We have all been reading. Yesterday after church while reading and holding a sleeping Esther on the couch I looked up and all three boys were sitting in front of the fireplace reading. Sorry, I didn't get a picture, because I was too busy reading. It was such a cozy atmoshpere. We had the fire on (we have gas fireplace) the dog was curled up in front of the fireplace on her pillow and the boys were all reading. Peter was reading his birthday book.

So, what book inspired this about face? Alexander McCall Smith's The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency. It is a nice happy mystery novel with no violence and no sex. It's not hard, but it's delightful. I have since read up to number 5 in the series. I plan to read the rest before testing my brain more with more difficult fare, which is in of it.

Some interesting quotes

We get God's World News Early Edition (for kids). It had a quote from each President. All of the kids have been enjoying this part, as have Peter and I. There are some that we haven't agreed with but there are others that are surprising relevant for today.

"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."
-Herbert Hoover

"Though the people support the government; the government should not support the people."
-Grover Cleveland(Democrat)

"The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything."
-Theodore Roosevelt

"There is more selfishness and less principle among members of Congress...than I had any conception of."
-James Polk

"Philosophy is common sense with big words."
-James Monroe

There are many more, maybe I will list more another time. In the mean time I am taking care of a sick little girl. She is in the middle of her first cold and I am stuck at home as it has become windy and cool here.

I am adding a picture. I like the way the water is shown in the middle of the splash. And Peter's smile is great. He didn't know I would be including any of him in the picture, he's just smiling his lovely smile at his daughter. Do you think that's how God smiles at us?

Being Emphatic

I been thinking lately about the being emphatic. I am quite disgusted with myself and the boringness(yes, I know this isn't a word, but that's what this post is all about) that my language has become. I have recently been thinking about how to be more emphatic without being boring. I was reading a post at Amy's Humble Musings and got distracted with how I would comment. In order to be emphatic without saying "really" or "quite" I thought how about toe stubbing hard. That is very descriptive, right?! Peter "edited" my recent post about Hiding and Seeking. His constructive criticism was the same as Mr. Witcoff's in 7th grade, "elaaboorate" (with wild eyes and hair, Mr. Witcoff not Peter). He was extremely good at getting his point across! I tend to get straight to the point without alot of fluff. It is not on purpose, I just have so many thoughts circling around in my head, not unlike those penny donations recepticles at malls. They go around and around and I am sure that they will go down the hole if I don't put it on paper quickly.

So all this is to "put it out there" that I am going to try to be more descriptive and bring the points I have to fruition with details and fluff included. I mean I like fluffy things, like fuzzy inside UGG boots.

An here is Esther's first "real" food. (why is this gruel called food? It's totally blech, I mean look at her face.)