It's His Love

I can't sleep. Maybe it's the sugar high from all of today's various sugar sources that have turned me upside down since I haven't eaten much sugar for forty days. Or maybe it is because God has been keeping me awake to whisper His love to me. It's possible that it's that I'm awake so late that I can finally hear Him. During the day I run so hard to get away from various strains-anger, boredom, self loathing-the list could go on forever. But now in the still of night I hear Him, "I love you, my daughter. Why don't you believe me? I sent my Son for you. Remember today! Of all days, remember today!" Now I can.

So I have been up late tonight. I was reading another blog, Humble Pie, and was inspired by her to read my Bible. I opened to Psalms and throught the course of reading came to 142. I have read it many times over the last so many years. Crying out to Him in desperation for relief from my depression and other enemies. And for the first time in oh-so-many years, I'm not feeling bereft and left alone.

I just wanted to say it "out loud," to make it real. So many times, I think these thoughts have gone through my head, but I never caught them. They just flitted away because I let them. Not today. Today they are real, tangible. They are there to be seen and held closely, just as I am.

Loneliness

Is the emotion of loneliness a sin? I wonder if we experience loneliness as a result of not being in continuous relationship with God, which leads to sinfulness. Or is it just because the earth is not our home?

Loneliness is a part of my life. It has been for most of my life, but now it seems to be worse than other times. I don't live near family and homeschooling the kids leads to a great deal of time spent alone. I am dealing, not very well, with agoraphobia. The agoraphobia means that there are many days that I don't leave the house. Peter says that I'm timid, I say that I'm shy. Whatever it is, makes it harder for me to alleviate the loneliness.

The loneliness has gotten more extreme since being home from Houston and have recently been doing some research. I wonder if loneliness is a mechanism that the Lord uses to bring us closer to Him. Did you know that Elijah dealt with depression? He felt all alone and that he was all alone in following God. So did David, but I think his may have had something to do with his horrible decisions. Or maybe he made those bad decisions because of his depression.

I would love to say that know I am going to just focus on all the positive things in front of me, but that wouldn't be real. I tend toward seeing the hard things. Sometimes that's good because I am apt to see why those hard things are necessary and do whatever it required. And people being mean and saying unkind things does tend to get to me. That is sometimes all I hear.

I don't have all(or any of) the answers but I think that I need to try and focus on Psalm 27 for now. Fear really is son of a motherless goat to quote my funny husband.

Morning Talk

Samuel and I have had some fun time together this morning because Esther is taking an early nap.  We were listening to some music and one song was said that God will never leave us.  Samuel and I were talking about it.  His response for why God will never leave us is that He is invincible.  I wonder if in some part of his mind Samuel thinks God is a superhero.  

So many people see God as a kindly grandfather who says, "It's okay, don't worry about that sin.  I've taken care of it.  You don't owe me anything."  While that's a nice and true enough, one doesn't think that their grandfather is invincible.  I tried to explain to Samuel that God is more than invincible.  How do you explain to a 4 year old that God has more facets to him than just one?  I want him to have a dynamic faith that includes a full picture of God, not just a small box that feels comfortable.

Solitude

I have been reading the discipline of solitude chapter in Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster.  So far I am enjoying it.  I haven't read the whole book right through.  I know that is the way books are meant to be read, but I decided not to.  Mainly because I am in a period of God-forced solitude in my life.   God seems to have a purpose for it right now, so I am trying to learn why.  (Sidenote, I decided to get over myself and buy a Message Bible. ) 

I had a really hard, lonely Sunday since Peter was out of the house most of the day.  And he also took a nap when he was home.  I'm not upset, just explaining being alone!  The kids were sick so I couldn't go to church.  

I haven't finished reading the chapter yet by any means, but the first point I have come to that I don't understand is that we are to have solitude and fellowship together.  I mean that you cannot have one without the other.  I completely agree with this assertion.  I also know that lately have had more solitude than fellowship.  On pages 97-98 he says

"Therefore, we must seek out the recreating stillness of solitude if we want to be with others meaningfully.  We must seek the fellowship and accountability of others if we want to be alone safely.  We must cultivate both if we are to live in obedience."

I agree completely with these ideas.  I am endeavoring to be obedient, but how is it possible if a meet aloneness at ever turn.  

Can we have fellowship primary through modern means?  I'm speaking of telephone and internet.  At this point that's what I have.  I have read at couple of blogs that say we can't get all we need in terms of fellowship primarily these ways.  I just wonder if that's true.   Just writing this and making it real is an accountability in itself.  Anybody who reads this can ask me questions on this subject whenever they like.  

I have to wonder what good work God is doing in me right now.  I don't question whether He is refining me or if it is good, but what exactly I am supposed to be learning right now.  I think that there is a difference, and it isn't a slight one either.  I show faith in believing He is holding me in the fire.  

That's how far I have gotten for now.  

Indescribable

Tonight my Bible study group watched Louie Giglio's DVD Indescribable. I really enjoyed the sermon ideas and the way Louie showed the awesomeness and glorious works the Lord has put into being, that he is continuing to create. Louie said that according to astronomers, each second a star is born. I really liked all the astronomy, Louie used it to the utmost in showing the vastness of the universe that God has created and how infinitesimal we are in comparison.

The song Indescribable by Chris Tomlin is featured before the sermon. Some of the songs sung today seem feature our love of God, not His love for us. How could it possibly be awesome that God chose us and we love Him for it?! That is not amazing. What is amazing and powerful is that He loves us. How small and insignificant we are here on earth within the universe was clearly and eloquently displayed in Louie's sermon.

In Job 38:31-33 God named constellations and showed Job a fraction of His size. Psalm 147:4 says "He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name." That, all on it's own is a powerful statement, but the verse just before says "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." The Lord who created galaxies, loves us and will bind up our wounds! That thought unto itself is profound to me, add onto that He sent His beloved Son to die in our place, when He created the vast universe puts me on my knees. I usually fight my emotions when dealing with my faith, I get too confused. However, this time I will probably let myself cry.

The truth of His love puts the election and all the turmoil in such stark perspective. Of course He can heal our wounds, He says so. He's the one that created the universe.