Crying

Crying is one of those things that can make me go crazy. As a mother this one of my great struggles. I have no idea why since most of the time I am on the verge of crying and feeling sorry for myself. I should clarify. If the kids are in pain I never feel frustrated. However when they cry when answering a question I have to fight to remain in control and not get angry. It feels like manipulation. And it frustrates me that they continue to do it even when I don't respond to it. And I'm talking pulling the hair out, running out of the room crazy. I have been known to raise my voice.

Today was one such day. Samuel spent a good portion of the day that whenever he spoke he started crying. I eventually sent him to bed for a rest until he was able to give me an answer to a question I asked him.

The whole point to this story is that it started making me think about God and how He feels when "we" (ME) always cry to him about life. When I am tired, frustrated, hungry, or disappointed I cry to Him about how hard life is. I wonder if He ends up wanting to treat me the way I deal with my kids. Maybe I'm in timeout. Because there has to be a reason I spend SO much time alone. Anyway, if you look at the Bible you don't read about how Jesus whines and cries about how hard it is to be human. Here you have the Lord of the ENTIRE universe walking around in human clothes dealing with the frustrations of being human but He didn't cry about everything. (I wonder if He felt depressed. I doubt it. Is depression a sin? Hm, maybe this a whole different blog post.) While Jesus did cry and asked to be released from what He had to do, He still did it.

I can't help but be reminded of how much God loves us when I am so weak that I cry to Him all the time and He doesn't yell at me.

Isaiah 58:6-11

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed freee and break the yoke?

Is it no to share your food with the hungry 

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-

when you see the naked, to clothe them,

andn not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

the your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

The you will call, and the Lord will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

If you do away with the yoke of oppression, 

with the pointing of finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

Then your light will rise in the darkness,

 and your night will become like the noonday.

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame. 

You will be like a well watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

A storm brews

On Saturday I had a wonderful morning  filled with enjoying my children.  Then around 5pm it hit, the loneliness.  My very strong emotions tend to be actual, physical pain.  It hits in the chest and then spreads out.  In order to quell the raging sea, to silence the sure tears, I ran to my drug of choice, food.  As I pondered what I wanted I heard a small, quiet yet insistent voice say "the come down is going to be so much worse."  But on I went.  And sure enough the come down was horrible.  Crying ensued, safely after the kids were in bed, of course. 

I couldn't fall asleep until nearly three.  In the hours between the kids bedtime and when I fell asleep I took stock.  However, I wasn't planning on it.  God just kept putting the truth in front of me.  I started reading one book and came upon a truth I did not want to deal with.  So I turned to the Bible, yet here was another.  Then I remembered reading on a blog about another thing I didn't want to hear.  At about 2am they all came together to say changes are a comin', if I am to be refined by God's hand.  And boy are they going to be hard, but clearly worth it.

One thing I can say is that Peter being gone for as long as he has been gone has been good, at least for me.  If he had come home a week ago I would not have made these discoveries.  And they were sorely in need of coming to light.  

I am by nature an impulsive person.  For the last ten years I have been filting from one thing to another.  In the past month or so I have discovered that I need to live my life with intention.  And make decisions with intention, not just because all other options have passed.  It is time for me to finish growing up.  

One of the things I dealt with the other night was my eating habits.  I read on Walk Slowly, Live Wildly about our bodies being temples.  This post made me question my self on how can I worship God in my craptastic temple of a body.  It does effect how I feel about myself and my ability to worship God.  There is the ever voice of displeasure my physical state.  Is every action of ours a way that we are supposed to honor and worship the Lord?  If so then eating should be too, right?  So, all this to say that, I am going to start eating in a not just controlled way but with worship in mind. (I should probably read the fasting section of Celebration of Discipline.)  Somehow, with this in mind the idea of eating mostly fruits and veggies doesn't seem like such a sacrifice.  While I am not ready to go vegan or even vegetarian, I believe that I need to limit my drug-like comfort foods.

There are other things that I discovered the other night, but I need to wait until Peter gets home to sort them out completely.

Indescribable

Tonight my Bible study group watched Louie Giglio's DVD Indescribable. I really enjoyed the sermon ideas and the way Louie showed the awesomeness and glorious works the Lord has put into being, that he is continuing to create. Louie said that according to astronomers, each second a star is born. I really liked all the astronomy, Louie used it to the utmost in showing the vastness of the universe that God has created and how infinitesimal we are in comparison.

The song Indescribable by Chris Tomlin is featured before the sermon. Some of the songs sung today seem feature our love of God, not His love for us. How could it possibly be awesome that God chose us and we love Him for it?! That is not amazing. What is amazing and powerful is that He loves us. How small and insignificant we are here on earth within the universe was clearly and eloquently displayed in Louie's sermon.

In Job 38:31-33 God named constellations and showed Job a fraction of His size. Psalm 147:4 says "He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name." That, all on it's own is a powerful statement, but the verse just before says "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." The Lord who created galaxies, loves us and will bind up our wounds! That thought unto itself is profound to me, add onto that He sent His beloved Son to die in our place, when He created the vast universe puts me on my knees. I usually fight my emotions when dealing with my faith, I get too confused. However, this time I will probably let myself cry.

The truth of His love puts the election and all the turmoil in such stark perspective. Of course He can heal our wounds, He says so. He's the one that created the universe.