Friday, October 24, 2008

Being unhappy

Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

This starts with my childhood. I wanted to be someone. I wanted to live an exciting life! I wanted to be able to dream and make them real. I, however, did not want to be a pianist. I am now an adult and that hasn't happened. I am not, nor will I ever be Col. Samantha Carter. Woe is me! I will never be fulfilled in life. I will never live my life on a RV (yes, I still think about that stuff, check out walk slowly live wildly). I knew that living in Houston forever was not for me, I needed to get out and far away. Call it rebelliousness, whatever you want, but I didn't want what my family wanted for me--to be boring, stay-at-home housewifey person. Doh! Can you hear the anger, the frustration? I blame it on MacGyver, that's it it's RDA's fault!

So there I was watching tons of TV to try and drown out the frustrations. I eventually decided that this wasn't good, so I said "be gone with you" to the TV. I found that soon after not watching TV anymore that I started to feel happier. The TV even looked longingly at me and said how can you be so without heart? I started blogging and that gave me hope. I, of course, was reading blogs of ladies who are satisfied with their lives and talk about what makes them happy. I thought to myself, what, for the love of ice cream, is wrong with me?

I was taking a shower this morning and realized that FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME I am someone to four people. I am in fact, still the most important person to them. Talk about a slow learning curve! About three minutes ago they were all in my room clamoring for my attention.

I have been unsatisfied, or maybe dissatified, the last day or so. I haven't figured that one out. I did more thinking about my underlying anger and then realized I was slowly involving my mind in something that makes me angry, but I couldn't do much about, like post. What, you say? Well, I'll tell you! I have been reading at Blogher. Oh, the shame! Let's get all the angry women and give them a place to argue, but it can't be on TV or it would be The View. (Hehe!) That's what Blogher is, at least in the politics area. So I have been subjecting myself to another way that makes me unhappy. Whoa, I just realized I have been harming myself with this stuff. Again, talk about a slow learning curve!

I realize that I need to confine myself to areas that have edifying ideas. And be around women who are happy to be at home or where they are in life. Thanks for the ear, I'll give it back eventually.


Megan said...

Ruth -- I think your post resonates with most moms, and I know it strikes a chord with me. I too have begun to learn to be careful with letting anger-inducing influences into my life. Jon loves to listen to talk radio, and I have had to make it politely clear that I cannot handle listening to it. I try to stay educated on major events and politics, but it's tough to do without getting angry, so I choose to err on the side of ignorance over futile frustration if that's what it comes down to.

As far as all the women bloggers out there who seem perfectly happy and content, I feel entirely confident that they have the exact same struggles as you're dealing with right now! Personally, I tend to blog on my "triumphs" more than my current struggles. As a point of evidence, you came across as perfectly content on your blog (and personal correspondence) until your very frank post yesterday. So please don't judge yourself so harshly.

I could go on for a bit, but I'll reserve some of my thoughts for a future blog post :-). In the meantime, you're always welcome to my ear. Both of them if need be.

Ruth said...

I WAS happier and content, that's the thing that made this post happen. I just needed to get the yuck out of my system. Did you notice the Stargate allusions? I had a different title originally. It was being like McKay. That's the whole pianist thing. Just curious if you got it.

gary & kimber said...

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Phil. 4:8)

Thanks for the reminder, Ruth. I know I can see a huge difference in my attitude and actions when I choose not to focus on negative things. I'm not talking about denying our frustrations or struggles but about doing some mental wallowing. That said, it's sometimes easy to do. I'm thankful that God is good about giving me a swift kick in the seat on those occasions.

Nan said...

I know exactly what you mean! And honestly, I don't know a mom anywhere who doesn't off and an on struggle with contentment... Unfortunately it can sometimes be an hour to hour struggle -- definitely day to day... You are NOT alone! And I totally know what you mean about adding stress to your life through various forms of media. I have had to get off of a few community message boards, full of wonderful people for the most part though they were they were giving me high blood pressure and stress that had no place in my home or in my life. My life carries enough weight of its own (not talking about the scale here... though that's another contentment issue altogether), why should I add to it unnecessarily?

Anonymous said...

Finally somebody said it.

Luke from Texas