Cable

We got cable again after not having it for a couple of years. I can't remember how long it has been. So for the past two months my brain has been on hiatus and I've been watching so much tv that my brain just started working again today. Crazy, right?! For awhile I kind of had an idea of what to post about but it seemed dumb so I didn't do anything. Then I realized that show with William Shatner is all about the guy just repeating what his father says to the world.

So that's what I've been doing. I've been watching stupid tv shows. And some awesome ones. I've really enjoyed Sanctuary this year. Castle is fun, but I've been figuring out the mysteries quickly. I've wanted to watch Burn Notice but Peter doesn't me to watch it without him and he's a season behind. Hawaii Five-O has been great fun. I just love it! Scott Caan is such a good actor. I love that they made him a father that really loves his daughter!

We're busy with school around here. I think that we will finally start doing so writing work in a few weeks. Samuel is almost completely done with his math for the semester. He is really starting to enjoy geography. Micah is doing really well in grammar and Wordly Wise. Abraham loves math and is really enjoying the addition of Life with Fred to math work. He gets very emotional when he doesn't do well on a test, but we are working on instilling the idea that failure is part of the learning process. Esther is loving playing with dinosaurs as though they are dolls.

So that's what has been going on around here.

Cooking

I had someone ask me for a recipe that I haven't made in years. When I looked at the recipe I was surprised to find how much things have changed for me in the intervening years. Just looking at the recipe I remembered all the anxiety I had associated with making the dish. It was amazing just thinking back to what kind of cook I was 10 years ago. I remember being so concerned with the size of the garlic cloves in the recipe because it said small. I miss read the recipe the first time I made it and steamed -not stemmed- the jalapenos. I used all red tomatoes because my husband worried that the green tomatoes would kill people. Now I know it doesn't matter so much. I also am able to let things like that go a little bit. I'm still not great about letting recipes evolve but I now know that I don't need to be reminded to cover something before I put in the refrigerator. I also know that if I don't have the exact right type of onions available here(because let's face it, Idaho is not known for super developed palates-mine included!) it will be alright. It's onion Ruth, let-it-go!

Rest in Oregon

We went for awhile to collect our ourselves. It is so easy to do when away. We just got back yesterday. It was such a lovely time. I have only played with a couple of shots. I didn't get nearly as many photos as I thought I would. It seems that I was just soaking in the trees.

We each did what we needed. The kids played until they could play no more. Peter read and felt peace. I spent a great deal of time day dreaming and feeling joyful. What a blessing this vacation has been!

Crying

Crying is one of those things that can make me go crazy. As a mother this one of my great struggles. I have no idea why since most of the time I am on the verge of crying and feeling sorry for myself. I should clarify. If the kids are in pain I never feel frustrated. However when they cry when answering a question I have to fight to remain in control and not get angry. It feels like manipulation. And it frustrates me that they continue to do it even when I don't respond to it. And I'm talking pulling the hair out, running out of the room crazy. I have been known to raise my voice.

Today was one such day. Samuel spent a good portion of the day that whenever he spoke he started crying. I eventually sent him to bed for a rest until he was able to give me an answer to a question I asked him.

The whole point to this story is that it started making me think about God and how He feels when "we" (ME) always cry to him about life. When I am tired, frustrated, hungry, or disappointed I cry to Him about how hard life is. I wonder if He ends up wanting to treat me the way I deal with my kids. Maybe I'm in timeout. Because there has to be a reason I spend SO much time alone. Anyway, if you look at the Bible you don't read about how Jesus whines and cries about how hard it is to be human. Here you have the Lord of the ENTIRE universe walking around in human clothes dealing with the frustrations of being human but He didn't cry about everything. (I wonder if He felt depressed. I doubt it. Is depression a sin? Hm, maybe this a whole different blog post.) While Jesus did cry and asked to be released from what He had to do, He still did it.

I can't help but be reminded of how much God loves us when I am so weak that I cry to Him all the time and He doesn't yell at me.

Pictures

This is one of my favorite pictures I have taken in the last couple of days. When I look at it on my camera or computer it's really pretty. Somehow this doesn't look as nice. I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, well. It's still nice. Here are some others.

The boys were pretending that they were refugees, or homeless, in the rain the other day. It was funny.

Here the guys are making breakfast on Saturday. Abraham is an excellent bacon maker. I think I will leave the bacon to Abraham until he leaves home. Then we will either have overcooked bacon from me, or someone else will save us. I'm hoping for the latter.

What to do with books

Since we have started homeschooling the books in our house have started to breed. It seems as though every time I turn around there are more books. Right now half of my dining room table is covered with books. I eat on the corner of the table surrounded by books. And the bar is mostly covered with books as well. There are some on the floor too. We got two pieces of furniture last year to try and accomodate all of the new items that we have aquired for homeschooling. However it seems as though it is not enough. So today I spent some time perusing decorating blogs to see what other people use to hold their books. This is what I would love.

Restoration Hardware

Isn't it lovely? However, I noticed that people don't keep books in their front rooms. This is very confusing to me. I grew up surrounded by books pretty much everywhere. I think that these bookcases would be great in any living area. What better to talk about than books!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers. I thought I would celebrate by sharing one of my favorite pictures of my oldest and youngest.

When I "fixed" this photo in Elements it wasn't nearly as light. The color difference will take a bit of getting used to.

Crazy thoughts about older childhood

Disclosure: I had a colorful childhood with lots of interesting characters. If reading about AIDS and the like makes you uncomfortable, don't read.

I was reading somewhere else about the state of sex education in schools. I can't get over the fact that plenty of schools aren't teaching sex education at all. It's important. It scares you away from kids of the opposite gender! While they do reduce the chances, condoms don't prevent pregnancy. I know from personal experience. I have also come to discover that kids aren't having the begeebbers scared out of them with disgusting pictures. What's up with that? The drug needle pictures kept me WAY far away from drugs. And the STD pictures made me lose about 5 pounds and break up with my boyfriend. I wonder if graphic "stupid-teenager-driving -caused-this" videos are shown any more. I remember one where the stupid teenager killed a girl in his class and instead of going to prison he had to send her parents a check for 1 dollar every Friday. It made the guy crack up after 10 years.

But back to middle school. When I was in 6th grade I had a teacher die of AIDS. I didn't know it then, but my mom pointed it out to me the similarities surrounding his death and the things I had learned about AIDS. I think that she looked up his obit in the paper. He was my arts/drama teacher. He liked Michael Jackson, specifically "Man in the Mirror." I had never heard it before but it was a good song. I was supposed to lip sync a song in that class, but I think I remember him getting sick before it was my turn. During my sex ed class in 6th grade (I had one later in high school, it was the scary one) I remember the banana and the condom thing. But what I remember most was that my teacher couldn't find the ones to be used for the class so she went to go get one from her purse. What was she thinking?! I think she was trying to be provacative because she made a really big deal out of it. And I knew that she had just gotten divorced.

That middle school was really interesting. I learned a lot. Being sick and dying doesn't mean you can't still love what you do and feel passionate about it. Getting divorced can make you do really stupid things. And collecting frogs makes kids look at you like you're a frog. (My principal collected frogs and everybody thought she looked like a frog.)

It's His Love

I can't sleep. Maybe it's the sugar high from all of today's various sugar sources that have turned me upside down since I haven't eaten much sugar for forty days. Or maybe it is because God has been keeping me awake to whisper His love to me. It's possible that it's that I'm awake so late that I can finally hear Him. During the day I run so hard to get away from various strains-anger, boredom, self loathing-the list could go on forever. But now in the still of night I hear Him, "I love you, my daughter. Why don't you believe me? I sent my Son for you. Remember today! Of all days, remember today!" Now I can.

So I have been up late tonight. I was reading another blog, Humble Pie, and was inspired by her to read my Bible. I opened to Psalms and throught the course of reading came to 142. I have read it many times over the last so many years. Crying out to Him in desperation for relief from my depression and other enemies. And for the first time in oh-so-many years, I'm not feeling bereft and left alone.

I just wanted to say it "out loud," to make it real. So many times, I think these thoughts have gone through my head, but I never caught them. They just flitted away because I let them. Not today. Today they are real, tangible. They are there to be seen and held closely, just as I am.

Some pictures from last week

The boys went with Peter to work while I was a crazy person (actually cleaning!) this week. They were supposed to be doing school work, but instead they learned about engineering.

Samuel watched while his brothers went up in the front loader. There are pictures of them all the way up helping secure part of the new greenhouse. I didn't put them on here because grandmothers of various generations read here and I don't want to give them heart palpitations.

Esther fell asleep on the floor near her bed because, while being crazy cleaning lady, I forgot to give her a nap. But it was cute so I forgave myself and went to get a camera to take a picture.

Clouds around my house

I enjoy looking at the clouds here in the desert. Since Peter gave me a tripod for Christmas I haven't had a chance to use it yet until tonight. When I was taking out the trash tonight I noticed the clouds. Awesome!

Look, it's a monster coming out the darkness! Ah! Run for your lives!

A tunnel.

This is the view across the street. This is the first view that made me want to take the pictures.

Just for health sake

I'm not trying to be difficult, nosy or anything else.

Spinach has a plenty of folic acid, lutein, vitamin k and other minerals. It also has oxalic acid which prevents the body from absorbing calcium. Any calcium from other sources in your stomach at the same time as RAW spinach will not be absorbed. I am trying to get my calcium from raw kale and cooked spinach instead. Cooking spinach breaks down the oxalic acid.

The reason I am making this nosy point is that I have read about ton of female bloggers trying to drink a green smoothie everyday. So if you are drinking these smoothies, just know about the acid. Okay. Nose out.

Dreams

The last couple of nights my dreams have had music accompaniment. This morning I was bound and determined to find the song flowing through the dreams like a river connecting one to another. I waited too long to sit down to find it and it drifted away. It was such a peaceful song. It gave me a real restful sleep. I wonder if that ever happens to others.

I have recently found a couple of singer/songwriters that are very comforting. For moments that I am craving a more complex sound I have been going to John Mark McMillan.

"A patriotic sound that incorperates bold stripped down blues with a voice reminiscent of Pete Yorn and a broken America"

HM Magazine

I am really enjoying Sarah McMillan. Yes, it's his wife. Their music isn't really the same. I have been turning to her music when I am feeling the need for quietness. I also am playing Sarabeth Geoghegan for the same feeling, but her music more folk like. I also love that she writes plainly. My favorite song by her is "Lord Deliver Me". Here are some lines...

Lord deliver me from me,

Lord deliver me from the desire to noticed, loved, exalted

Lord deliver me from the desire to be favored, popular, chosen or acknowledged

Lord deliver me from the fear of being long forgotten or ignored

Sometimes I just need to be delivered from myself and unto the Lord. I also like "Tired of Singing Sad Songs." Love it! Sometimes the sad songs just don't cut it and remembering what we are thankful for is a thing of beauty.

Oh, by the way blogspot went wicky in the wacky woo in the middle of this post. I can't figure out why the fonts are different. I would also love to know how to actually post the songs with the music. If any lovely person would like to explain it to me I'd be eternally grateful. However, I did link their websites.

Reading

I have been reading the last couple of days. And each day I have gotten a pretty bad headache on the right side of my head. The strong, bright light is on my left side. I wonder if that could be reason. But the a ton of the pain is in the neck region. So it may the angle at which I read. I am quite upset. Does this mean that I can't read without getting a headache? I may just cry if that is the case.

I have been reading The Mortal Instruments series. I have been enjoying it. It's easy, which always fun, but it does deal with good and evil a bit. The way the author, Cassandra Clare, deals with good and evil is interesting. She even makes room for the grayer shades. She asserts that only demons, at least in this "world," are the only really evil things. Anyway, I think I may read the books again just to see if they would stand the test of time before buying them.

Tebow ad

I'm pro-life. However, I recognize that women who decide to have their baby have indeed made a choice. To take that away that choice from someone is totally missing the whole point! The women choosing life are choosing a full future for someone else. How amazing is that! That as women we have the ability to shape the future in ways men cannot. It just brings tears to my eyes to think about the power God put into our hands.

I do understand people, women, feeling alarmed by the ideas that may have been talked about in the ad. Namely that men can tell women what to do with their bodies. However the ad doesn't discuss that. It's about the wonderful outcome of the decision Tim Tebow's mom made.

I found a great article by a pro-choice woman. Sally Jenkins makes many good points including that fact that his mom did in fact make a choice.

Peace begins in the womb, as Feminists for Life say. Choosing life is choosing the best thing for the women facing a difficult choice. But the abortion debate needs to also about young men being responsible. They have just as much to do with the issue of perventing pregnancy as women. I love the fact that Sally Jenkings mentions chastity as a good thing. Amazing!

Loneliness

Is the emotion of loneliness a sin? I wonder if we experience loneliness as a result of not being in continuous relationship with God, which leads to sinfulness. Or is it just because the earth is not our home?

Loneliness is a part of my life. It has been for most of my life, but now it seems to be worse than other times. I don't live near family and homeschooling the kids leads to a great deal of time spent alone. I am dealing, not very well, with agoraphobia. The agoraphobia means that there are many days that I don't leave the house. Peter says that I'm timid, I say that I'm shy. Whatever it is, makes it harder for me to alleviate the loneliness.

The loneliness has gotten more extreme since being home from Houston and have recently been doing some research. I wonder if loneliness is a mechanism that the Lord uses to bring us closer to Him. Did you know that Elijah dealt with depression? He felt all alone and that he was all alone in following God. So did David, but I think his may have had something to do with his horrible decisions. Or maybe he made those bad decisions because of his depression.

I would love to say that know I am going to just focus on all the positive things in front of me, but that wouldn't be real. I tend toward seeing the hard things. Sometimes that's good because I am apt to see why those hard things are necessary and do whatever it required. And people being mean and saying unkind things does tend to get to me. That is sometimes all I hear.

I don't have all(or any of) the answers but I think that I need to try and focus on Psalm 27 for now. Fear really is son of a motherless goat to quote my funny husband.

Laundry, ugh!

I dislike laundry! I wish there were a way to dress my kids without having to fold laundry. That is really the part that I dislike. I don't mind any of the other parts. Weird, right? I am trying to be thankful/grateful for the things I have instead of focusing of the negative. So, I am thankful that my kids are able to have more than one change of clothes. Maybe if I hold onto that I will be joyful while doing the folding. I may even watch a little TV. Our laundry couch is right next to the TV so it makes it quite easy to let my mind turn to mush.

Brain Drain

*I am trying to find a good way to make sure that we get everything done that we need to get done each day. Since we have been back from Houston not everything gets done everyday. I thought about making check-off sheets for the older boys each day. But we don't do everything every day. I am plenty stumped about what to do. I am going to try this way for awhile and see if it works.

*In other matters, I am totally enjoying reading a Twitter account--specifically Adam Baldwin's. I agree with some of his ideas, but he is way strident. But he just begs for people to have discourse. I wonder if he actually follows through with his ideas, mainly regarding education. I wonder if his children go to public school.

*The boys are still enjoying martial arts. I found a list of good boy films at Mommy Life. I love finding blogs from veteran boy moms. She talks about not trying to stop boys from rough housing. I feel reasonably good about my rule--if you hurt yourself wrestling/rough housing don't come crying to me. It's worked pretty well, if I do say so myself. Now pardon me while I break my arm patting myself on the back.

*Peter is leaving for a trip tomorrow. Yay? It will be good for the kids to get out of the habit of thinking Peter will save them from school work when he gets home. But I will miss having Daddy come save me at 4:45.

*We are thinking about moving Esther to a big girl bed this or next week. There was a bed with a trundle on sale for a really good deal at Costco this week. (BTW, I ♥ Costco.) And now we also got a mattress.

*I just found out how to put that heart in up there. I am so excited!

*On Pat Robertson, Jennifer Moody an education reporter and blogger with the Mid-Valley newspapers in Oregon had some wonderful and constructive things to say.

This format is working well for me right now because I am a bit distracted. It's not too much pressure for me to have deep eloquent paragraphs upon paragraphs.