Reluctant Mother

I finally did the Facebook "first born quiz."  I have to say that I have been putting it off because of the shame that goes along with my memories of my first pregnancy.  Abraham wasn't planned.  He was a "honeymoon" baby.  I got pregnant within weeks of getting home.  I was embarrassed and angry.  I saw all my plans went up in smoke.    

Before we got married I told Peter I didn't want kids.  Funny how things work out, huh?  I realized that kids take a ton of work and I believed that kids need a stay at home parent.  I say this not to shine a light on others parenting, but to inform you of how I came to my emotions.  I had all these plans for life that didn't include kids.  I made the immediate decision that I was going to keep going to school and have my career.  Too bad my stomach didn't agree.  Within days of finding out I started having "morning sickness."  What a cruel lie, you know what I mean?  I actually had all day and all night sickness.  When I had my next appointment a week later to have the first meet the nurse time I had lost 10 lbs.  I eventually went into the hospital the first week of school.  I had to withdraw from college which essentially ended my plans for a career. 

Somehow I decided that I would be a good mom to a girl.  I spent almost every moment after I found out I was having a boy trying to deny the truth.  Eventually I decided that he was going to be someone special.  Happily that part turned out to be true.  During that time I was so scared that I wouldn't love him enough.  Happily I was wrong.

When Abraham was born I felt a whoosh of love.  It felt like it was pouring out of me in a warm encapsulating hug.  I wonder even now if God was showing me in just a small portion of His love for us.  I know that it can be explained away with some doctor prattling on about hormones or something like that, but I've had three other kids and it never happened again.  Having Abraham changed me in a profound way.  I wanted to be a good mother rather than just getting by and existing.  

On Monday I spent the day with the kids playing, doing laundry and truly enjoying them.  It helped me remember and reflect on my journey so far as a mother.  What joy God has given to me in the form of four children!  The person I was 9 years ago would be so surprised at who I am now.  I am an unabashed mother who finds such great joy in my role as mother.  I lost it for awhile, but I am so glad to be back in this place.